In my last blog, I talked about the need to allow God to release me to love Him. Yesterday as I was doing my walk in the woods at Mandai Catchment Area, the Lord dropped a liner in my heart again. Honestly, as I journey with God these couple of days, I find myself more in tune to His voice and the Lord would drop little liner like this. I guess that’s the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit. Anyway, the Lord was telling me that what I really need now is not to let go of external factors that are affecting me. What I really need now is to let go of myself and to allow God to fully take control of everything. Trust me, this is not going to be easy. I think most people have a lot to struggle with themselves and I am not spared of this. The problem with us is that we refuse to admit that we are struggling with ourselves. We tend to think that the problems come from external factors which are really secondary. For weeks or months, I thought the issue with my job and my career is due to external factors. I thought that external factors have resulted in me loosing my focus at work and my motivation level lowest in 10 years. I think I was dealing with my issue in the wrong direction. How foolish I am! I am reminded of the story in the Bible when Jacob wrestled with God and he refused to let go of Him. Eventually the Lord had to break his bones and to make Him realized the struggle is not with God it is with himself that he was struggling. Battling with yourself is a very difficult thing. Why? Because you don’t want whether you should win the battle or lost. You see, you don’t want to lose because you still want to keep yourself in tact. Neither do you want to win because you know that the only way to win is to let go of yourself. This is a great predicament! Thus, not many people are willing to face this battle because they don’t know what they should do and how they should go about dealing with it.
A lot of problems that we are facing start off with us not able to let go of ourselves. We want more in life because we don’t want to be seen as not having them…self! We want to be promoted in our job and to excel in everything that we are doing…we get very stressed over it…self! We want to be recognized and when we don’t get that we are depressed and sometimes we become lonely…self! We cannot let go of relationship and the people around us….again…this has to do with self. Honestly, I don’t have the answer to how can we let go of ourselves then. Put it this way, I don’t have the perfect answer for now. However I am very sure that as I journey with God over the next 60 over days of my sabbatical leave, I will find out how this can be done. Of course I can always give a standard answer like “Surrender to God”, “Let go of your past”, “Let God take over”, or “Let revival come into your heart” and etc. They all sound very nice and they are not wrong but what a person in my mental state need is not all these nice tag lines….I need the real stuff from God’s Word and I need the Holy Spirit to revamp my entire heart! How He is going to that I am really not sure but I know that He will do that for me! I believe that once the Holy Spirit sort out my heart, I will be able to pick myself up again to serve Him in many different ways again. I believe that once I am renewed, I will be able to pick up enough strength to stand tall among the rest. Not by might nor by power but solely by the Holy Spirit! I am beginning to find this journey very exciting and adventurous. I am enjoying every bit of it. It is my prayer that I am able to sense His Presence every day when I wake up and to be able to say that God loves me and no matter what the world can offer, there is nothing that will take me away from His love. I think I can echo with Paul that “…I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39). This is not just one of Paul’s theologies or some statement of opinion. He said that “I am sure…”, in other words, he believed it with all his heart and soul that nothing will be able to separate him from God’s love. What more can we ask for when we already have the love of God? We need to be contented as Bishop John Tan said in his sermon…and he mentioned Agur’s prayer in Proverbs 30:7-9:
Lord, two things I ask of you;
deny them not to me before I die:
Remove far from me falsehood and lying;
give me neither poverty nor riches;
feed me with the food that is needful for me,
lest I be full and deny you
and say, “Who is the Lord?”
or lest I be poor and steal
and profane the name of my God. Amen!
I am making this my prayer everyday and my heart’s desire. I don’t need to be rich and neither do I want to be poor. I want God to give me enough to love Him with all my heart! I want the Lord to provide me just enough to keep my faith in Him. I want the Lord to give me enough to love Him more and more each day!