Draining Day

Its been a very draining day for me. It’s hard to work and function properly when you have a lot of things bothering you. It feels like there always something poking you and making you feel uncomfortable all the time. Yesterday in my sharing session I asked the team to put aside their personal agenda and baggage to make this trip a success. I feel so bad that I am not able to do it myself to a certain extent. I have been thinking of a lot of things and other then when I am in those high sounding meetings and discussion I sort of keep to myself. I try to spend time with the students as I find more joy being with them.

I hope I am strong enough to face the things I need to face when I am back in Singapore. Only God will know the outcome of this issue I am in. How I wish God can reveal to me what will the outcome be. I really don’t know…. May the Lord help all of us!

the gatekeeper

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Still Recovering…

It’s been a very tiring day for me and for the rest of the team. I am sure that every students and teachers are finding meaning in doing this. I feel my effort in coordinating this project has not gone to waste. There’s so much learning taking place today, with the students and the teachers as well. But I am really very tired after the day. I am still recovering. Don’t think I have fully recovered and I am really very concern and have been thinking of the many things that I have to face when I go back to Singapore. I am praying for a lot of courage to face them. I know it’s not easy for me and its also not easy for people whom I have hurt during my moment of distress and depression. I am praying for God to prepare me for any outcome and give me the grace to accept whatever that may come my way. I know that it’s not easy for both sides and I recognize that it will take a miracle for a reconciliation. I don’t know how this miracle can happen but I am trying very hard to leave this to God. I am trying very hard to leave the outcome to God. Why? Because on one hand, I would like to see a particular outcome out of this issue, and on the other hand, I don’t know if that is what God wants for me. After all I have hurt people who have been my pillars and help during my most difficult time. I have hurt people who have been an encouragement and comfort to me. How can I ever do such a thing? How can I ever allow my heart to run wild and result in this consequence? I pray to God for mercy. That’s why I am feeling very painful. I have hurt people whom I don’t have the slightest intention to hurt. However, because of my moment of foolishness, I have allowed my heart to take over and now….sigh!

I need God to help me with this.

the gatekeeper

A Breakthrough

For those who have been following my blog, you should know by now that I was going through a difficult time of my life. I must say and declare for today that I have experienced a major breakthrough in this situation. This afternoon after my visits to the various schools, I started crying and crying over many things. I miss the group that I always hang out with. I groaned over the pain and hurts that I have caused on people whom I really care. I asked God for His forgiveness. I know different people would take this breakthrough very differently. I know some people may even question the genuineness of the whole episode. Some people may even question the breakthrough. The fact is, because of this dark moment, I have done things that I am not supposed to do. I have made mistakes that I am not supposed to. I have hurt people whom I care a lot and I have caused them much pain and disappointment. I want to reconcile with them. I want to seek the forgiveness of these people. This will be a very difficult task but I know that I have to undertake this uphill task in order to see full liberation, not just for me, but also people whom I have hurt and caused pain.

I realized that I have been hiding. I have not been able to come face to face with my mistakes. And I need to come face to face with the wrongs that I have done and the people whom I have hurt. I need to face them. Yes, what is done cannot be undone…but I hope against hope that there will be a miracle in this reconciliation. I hope against hope that the people whom I have hurt and caused pain will once again accept me. I know that it’s not easy on their part as well. It’s not easy to trust the person that tried to harm you. I do hope that people will give me another chance to believe in me and trust in me. I don’t know how is that possible but I am going to give it a try.

I don’t feel lonely anymore. But that doesn’t mean I don’t need friends and buddies. I do need them. I hope that people whom I have hurt can give me a chance to compensate. I really hope that I can be given that second chance to prove myself again. Everybody deserves a second chance. This is going to be difficult. This is going to be tough. But its something that I need to do. Its something that I need to go through. It’s a cross that I have to bear. God, help me to do this.

the gatekeeper

Day 3 to Recovery – Visiting Schools in Korat

Its been extremely difficult to work especially when you have so many things in your mind. I have been struggling the whole day trying to be focused with my work and the many discussions with so many people. I have never been to so many schools in a day and each school, we have to sit down and jot down lots of details. At some point, my mind really couldn’t take it anymore. I heard that Didi is not feeling so well….I am pretty concern and genuinely concern. I hope he can take care of himself and hope he recover very soon. How I wish I am able to chat with the PLC group at the moment! But I know that it is not time yet for me to chat with them for now (typing in tears). How I wish to have someone to listen to my complaints and the struggles that I have today. For some reason, I really miss the PLC group. I have been telling myself that this is not the time to go in. I am not ready to go in yet. I know that I am certainly on the road to recovery but I have three more days to go. I don’t even know if anybody would ever trust me again as a person. This sense of loneliness has caused lots of damage on my part and the part of people whom I really care. I really do not know how to recover this. I have hurt so many people and I really don’t mean to do it at all. I do not have the slightest intention to hurt anyone.

Having said all of these, I know that God is slowly bringing me to recovery. I need to get out of my mental situation before I hurt even more people. I really miss the whole PLC group….my Didi, Shu Shu, JH, Kim and Eleora….(in tears again). I wish that I can still chat with you guys the way before now…can you guys text me….so that I feel that I am existing….

I am very tired…very tired….very tired….very tired…..very tired….

the gatekeeper

Arriving at Korat…Day 2 to Recovery

Finally arrived at the hotel at around 10:30 Singapore timing. Feeling very exhausted after one whole day of traveling. Thought about a lot of things along the way. Some good and some bad. I felt the Lord speaking to me again but still I am feeling very painful over the people that I have hurt so much. I really do not know what’s the chance of reconciliation but this will be the most difficult part of the recovery. It pains my heart, really pains my heart, to know that because of my foolishness, people whom I care  about are hurt. I really don’t know how I can finish this part of the recovery. I am praying to God for strength and courage to face it. I guess it will take a miracle for a reconciliation to happen. I never think too much about the word “reconciliation” until yesterday. I wish to be reconciled but I really don’t know how this is possible. I really don’t know. I guess only God will know what will happen at the end of this recovery. God, help me with this. I need your help!

the gatekeeper

Rebuilding Broken Temple

If I am a temple of the Holy Spirit as the Word of God says, then today will be the start of a rebuilding work for this broken temple. I am a broken temple and this temple is really broken all over. It’s so broken that I do not know where to start the rebuilding work. But I guess before you rebuild anything you will new to have a picture of what’s its original condition. I guess this is where I will begin. I need to find back myself and who exactly I am. I need to know the person that Christ has intended for me to be and not what I want to be. Now that’s a difficult task cos I am really quite lost about myself at the moment. But I need to resurface the floor plan of the temple to know how I look originally. God, help me with this and reveal to me who am I in You….

the gatekeeper

Depressing Loneliness

It all started about 2 to 3 months ago. I was getting this periodic sense of loneliness in me. At first, I was still able to suppress this feeling and always tell myself that it would pass away after sleeping. Yup, for the few weeks, sleep does help to cast this feeling of loneliness away, however, as time went by, I realised that each time this sense of depressing loneliness came to me stronger and stronger. It was so overwhelming that I simply couldn’t suppress it anymore. I felt that I was alone and that feeling that you are alone can be so scary and so frightening. This sense of loneliness always leave behind a vacuum. Each time this loneliness knock on my door, it will leave behind a greater vacuum. This greater vacuum means that I will plunge deeper and deeper into something that I don’t even know. At some point, I even couldn’t recognise myself anymore. The things that I do, the things that I say and many more just do not make sense to me and they are all so foreign to me.

It’s always in the dark night, when I knelt beside my bed and pray to God I would come face to face to my real self and I realised the darker the night, the clearer I see myself. But then very often, I would lose sight of myself again. I don’t know what’s going on. To some extent, I couldn’t feel that I have a human body. I don’t even know if I really exist as who I am. I remember telling someone that I long to hug someone and start to cry aloud. I needed the hug because I needed the affirmation that I am still existing. That I am still alive. There was nothing in me that seems to affirm my existence as person. I felt that God has left me. I felt that He has abandoned me. I know shouldn’t feel this way, but I really needed someone to come and tell me that I am alive and well. Being in a crowd or with friends no longer able to affirm that. For a while, I even thought I was going crazy.

Since then, the only person that I can share anything with is God Himself. But I told God, I need Him to embrace me, to hug me and to kiss me. I just needed that affirmation that I exist. I felt so bad that I even question the very Presence of God. My Mind and my Heart have been in constant battle with each other. My Heart is longing for love, to fill that vacuum and for that physical touch. My Mind keeps telling me that I have to hold on to my faith…I have to hold on to God…I have to hold to who I am. They have been in constant struggle. One night, I grew so tired of the struggle that I told God, let my Heart and emotion take over. I couldn’t control it anymore. The danger of this is that I don’t know where my Heart will carry me. It may carry me to areas that are not even pleasing to God. I felt totally defeated and simply allowed my Heart to run wild. I realised this was my greatest mistake. But I really didn’t have anymore energy to fight back. I really didn’t have any more strength to stand up anymore. So I gave in to things that are not me. I gave in to things that are totally foreign to me, because my Heart would grab hold of anything that would fill that big vacuum in me, created by this depressing loneliness.

I know very well that because I have allowed my Heart to run wild, I have also hurt people around. People who are dear to me. I am very sure many of them couldn’t understand why I was behaving so differently. I was losing sight of myself. I don’t want to make this to be an excuse but I was really losing it. As I have mentioned, sometimes I don’t even recognise myself.

Today, I made the decision to finish this battle in 6 days time. I really do not know how this can be done…but I am going to believe in God one more time. I am going to believe in the Holy Spirit, the Comforter of my soul. I am going to believe that God is my Helper in this. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I don’t want to lose friendship anymore. I don’t want to time-out anymore. I want to be who I am in Christ Jesus. I really don’t know how. If I have hurt anyone, I sincerely beg you for your forgiveness. I didn’t mean it. I know what’s done is done….but still I really want you people to believe that I am struggling and battling. I really want you to know that I feel as miserable as anyone of you whom I have hurt. God help me to overcome this….God deliver me from evil….

the gatekeeper